When lonely, work [09 Nov 2009|10:04pm] fromthewall Work makes it easier to be alone, but at some point it causes headaches. Problematic. shove it, jerkface

In a bad way? [09 Nov 2009|08:12pm] fromthewall You make me need a cigarette. shove it, jerkface

I am a mess [08 Nov 2009|10:44pm] fromthewall I just spilled veggie dip down the front of my PJ shirt, and got it in my hair, which I just washed. Grrrrrr. I haven't vacuumed for a month. Ew. I haven't dusted for two months. Double ew. I haven't been to the gym for a week. And, let's be honest, gymming once a week does nothing whatsoever. I need three times a week to achieve results. I am starting to bloat. I have a mysterious bruise on my left knee. Origin unknown. Such a mess. Sometimes, after I wake up after a night of debauchery, I realize that I am getting old. I need to start slowing down. It's maddening. I did a decent set of groceries today, the first in about three weeks. It feels glorious. I wish I had time to do groceries every week. I think I'm starting to develop a phobia of commitment. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea of spending the night with Tyler, as in just sleeping. It feels way too vulnerable. I'd rather cab home ($30) at 3 am every single time rather than sleep over. Suffice it to say I've spent more on cab rides in the past few months than I had previously cumulatively over my entire life. I feel anxious whenever we see each other two days in a row, because I'm afraid it's too much and it will ruin everything. Isn't this backward progress? What is wrong with me? I need at least eight hours of sleep a night to operate at my best. I can't sleep for longer than seven. This is building into a bit of a problem for my sanity and level of overall happiness with life. I feel like I'm losing time. I'm not sure why it takes me so long to do simple, repetitive tasks, but I feel like I'm wasting my life just trying to keep up with myself. Perhaps I need to stop lollygagging. And finally, I'm hungry. God dammmit. But I just stuffed my face with baby carrots and dip. And ended up with it in my hair and on my pajamas. Fail. shove it, jerkface

Marriage is: A theory [04 Nov 2009|11:39pm] fromthewall Events of late have left me shaken, have made me question why and wherefore and how some people marry and stay together for the rest of their lives. I want to believe in forever. I want to believe in marriage. I want to believe in marriage that lasts forever. So I got to thinking on my wherefores and hows, and I think the results would actually make pretty good wedding vows, though I retain the right to use them (or a modified version thereof) at my own eventual, someday, far-off wedding... Marriage is faith. It is faith that, no matter how bad it gets, you can always find a way back to the moment when it all came together, when everything in the world was right because of this other person. It is faith that no matter how angry you grow, you can always trace a path back to that moment when you were standing at the door with your arms around each other, and the only thing you wanted in the world was for him to stay and hold you some more. It is faith that no matter how confused and frustrated you feel, you will be able to bring yourselves back to that moment when you huddled together for warmth after a mid-February skate on the Canal, noses touching as you stood close, and felt that your ribbons of happiness were strewn across the city and throughout the whole sky. It is faith that no matter how bored or complacent you become, you will always be able to burn your way back to that inferno that lit you up from inside and made you glow so brightly that the world couldn't help but notice. It is faith that no matter how alone you feel, you will always find your way back to those moments of peace, comfort and safety, when you knew that he could make everything right, fix anything, drive hours and hundreds of kilometres to pick you up and be there for you, just to make you feel safe and see you smile. These are the loves of my life. But why did none of them end in marriage? Because it comes back to being able to trace your way back. So many times we find roadblocks in the way, or we find that the road simply doesn't exist any more. It doesn't work because we can't find our way back. We made it to the moon, but we can't make it home, waiting on a rescue that never comes. Made it to the moon, but we can't make it home. Maybe home is where the heart is given up to the one. Marriage is knowing that no matter what happens, it doesn't matter because you love this person. Not "as long as" you love this person, for that implies conditionality. No; more than just unconditional love and faith, marriage is a condition. It is a reason. It doesn't matter because I love you. Nothing else matters. I think this is possible. I know it's difficult for people who have abstained from practicing faith their entire lives to enter into a contract where the only guarantee offered by either party is faith. But I think, sometimes, luck shines on you and your roads stay open. When that happens, the only thing left to do is put down the hardtop and enjoy the drive. shove it, jerkface

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